Sub Safety

Until you submit to something, it is very important to keep in mind that you are the one who is in control. Just because you run across a Master, this does not mean that you owe Him submission. Your submission is a gift that you must give to a Master. It is entirely appropriate for you to treat that master with respect without submitting to Him.

While playing, meeting potential masters, or just heading down to the local leather bar, it is important for the submissive man (or the slave) to know how to keep himself or itself safe. Any good Master should respect you for trying to keep things safe.

Here is a list of things you should probably keep in mind...

Do not plan on a session during the first meeting. It is wise to use the first meeting as a chance to get to know one another, find out if you click, and start the process to see if the two of you can trust each other. If a master really wants to play with you, there should be no worry. This is also a wonderful test of the sincerity of a Master.

It is ALWAYS best to be completely honest about your likes, dislikes, fear, crave, limits, and experiences. Most Masters will not tolerate any level of dishonesty. What is important is your willingness to play, and not how many times you have played in the past, or the quality of that play.

Just as it is always best to be completely honest with any Master, it is equally as important to be honest with yourself. I have seen too many subs and slaves get themselves into trouble because they seem to want to get into things they really aren't, just to impress someone else. There are also lots of people out there who will tell you things like, the only true slave is a 24-7 slave but if that is not something you are into, that is equally as fine. Never let someone try to convince you to be something you truly aren't.

It is important to listen to your gut feelings or your intuition, even if you can't figure out why your warning flags are going off. Sometimes the unconscious mind will pick up on things the conscious mind won't. When this kind of thing happens, it is often wise to take a break or end the scene in order to figure it out or deal with it.

When interviewing with a potential master or playmate, it is important for you to ask questions and interview him right back. For the same reasons he needs to get to know you, you should get to know Him as well. Not only will this help you weed out masters who will not respect you (or those who take Mastering seriously) but it will also let you know what he is like, how well he understands the level you are at, and other things about Himself that you really should know.

It is wise to remember that relationships take time, no matter what type of relationship it is. Many subs and slaves fall into the proverbial trap that just because they feel they are ready for something, that they are willing to jump into it. Trust and respect (two of the biggest concerns with this type of thing) take time to develop and are never created out of thin air. Just because you have no reason not to trust someone, this doesn't mean that you have reason to trust Him.

When considering a Master for full time or long term, look at the complete package. Just as with a dating relationship, you need to ask yourself questions like, Do I really like him THAT much? or Can I really deal with his idiosyncrasies, bad habits, and other forms of personal baggage? A commitment to someone like this is a VERY serious thing, and should not be taken lightly by any stretch of the imagination.

Many slaves and subs have two different sets of Limits. The first set of limits is what you are comfortable with while playing with most everyone. The second set of limits are your absolute limits which you will not cross with anybody no matter who they are. Here's an example:

Temporary : Meet first, no total bondage (either feet or arms free at all times), Use of Safewords.

Permanent : No Drugs, No Scat, No Blood, No Permanent Marks.

If possible, try to get references for any Master you play with. Leather clubs or organizations are almost always good for this, as are friends, or people they have played with in the past. If you get a bad reference, investigate the matter. It could be nothing more than that the two did not click, or something over similar trivial lines.

When you first play with a master, it would be a good idea to invoke some backup safety just in case you have made a bad judgment call. Some good ideas include telling a friend where you are going or who you are going with. (If you meet someone in a bar, the doorman or bartender will sometimes do the trick - depending on the doorman/bartender.) If I can't do this, I will leave a note somewhere in my bedroom saying where I am going and any information I have about the person I am seeing if it is someone I don't know. If the police start searching for me, this will give them a direction to look.) I would sincerely hope that nothing bad would ever happen, but stranger things have been known to happen.

USE SAFE WORDS. If you find yourself in a scene and you have not discussed the use of safewords with the Master you are playing with, use the safeword Safeword because if he has at least two active brain cells, He should know what that means.

Do not make the mistake of throwing the basic rules of vanilla sex into a bd/sm scene. Most of them just do not apply. Also, you should not mistake the bond you feel for a Master as love as this could certainly end in disaster.

Keep in mind that a Master looking for a slave can be just as desperate as a slave looking for a Master. Also, remember that when looking online, or looking in a bar, the greater portion of people may be looking for a one night encounter. If you are projecting that you are looking for something, people may assume that you are looking for the same thing as everyone else.

Keep in mind the phrase that leathermen who cannot spell call The Three S's. Safe. Sane. Consensual. Remember that a scene should be fun and rewarding for all parties involved.

Be patient! 

Communicate. Unless otherwise noted, it is better to give too much information than it is to give too little.