Psychological Aspects of SM

I have always believed that a basic understanding of the psychological aspects of SM play is important for a few basic reasons. First, SM is often play on a psychological level. Dominance and submission are, by very definition, psychological in nature, as are many other aspects of SM play from Humiliation, power exchanges, or the euphoric state we sometimes feel after an intensely satisfying SM scene. Our fantasies may have psychological factors we've never considered.

Second, SM hits many of us on a psychological level. SM has been known from time to time to bring up psychological issues within our lives weather we realize it or not. If, for example, one has psychological issues with authority figures, these issues may arise during SM play. Recognizing this can help us sort out our troubles and enable us to get a better hand on them.

I have talked with many Masters and slaves over the years who have said something along the lines of "my Master really doesn't understand what it is like to be a slave. He is a wonderful Master who knows what he is doing when we play, but the dynamics of the relationship are foreign to him." More times than not, I've seen these relationships fail.

Finally, because of the psychological nature of SM, in general, one should be aware of psychological factors in case problems (or, potential problems) may develop. With a basic understanding of the psychological aspects of SM many of these problems can be dealt with, or even prevented before the issues become problematic. Some Leathermen have no understanding of psychology. And for some of them this is not a bad thing. They do seem to have a basic understanding of what feels good or bad, what's acceptable and what isn't, and hopefully also the ability to read the body language of their play partner to determine if everyone's having fun or not. I don't want this to sound like these people are any better or worse than any other - this simple factor alone doesn't determine anything.

Psychology of Domination

I am often asked by novice submissives what kind of pleasure I get as a Dominant partner. In their view, all they see at first is that they are enacting one of their fantasies, that I am doing things which I know will bring them a sense of pleasure, that they are the focus of my active attention while I am only passively receiving their attention. Many feel this type of scene is one-sided, resulting in feelings of guilt or embarrassment. Many people I have played with seem to have a psychological need to "satisfy" their sexual partners, and when they cannot understand how they are satisfying their partners, things begin to fall apart for them.

I usually try to explain to them that the type of pleasure I receive from them may be a different form than the pleasure they get from me, but that it is no way unsatisfying for me. It goes something like this...

Let's say I have a boy in restraints and various leather gear, and we are in the middle of a scene. Ok, we're going to stop time here for a second and take a look at what's happening for both parties. My submissive partner is (well, hopefully) getting some pleasure from his restraints, from the clamps I may have placed on his nipples, or the attention I am giving his cock and balls. This is a very physical pleasure he is feeling.Looking at myself, I am also receiving a lot of pleasure - or else I would not be doing this. I am probably getting an immediate sense of pleasure because of a few factors. First, I really like seeing boys in Leather, Uniform, or Rubber (and chances are, if I am playing with him, he's gonna fall into one of these categories.) Secondly, I am getting an extreme sense of happiness because I am causing a sense of pleasure in my partner. Thirdly, I am experiencing happiness because I am expressing my own, personal form of sexuality. (Yes, there are a few more, but that's a good start.)Now, we're going to hit the fast forward button - but this time we're going to stop it several hours after the scene has finished. Hopefully my partner still has a sense of afterglow. He's just been through an experience which hopefully he'd found extremely satisfying. However, by now his sense of pleasure is starting to fall after hitting his climax during the scene.But, my sense of pleasure is growing. I have just done things to my partner which caused him to feel good. Maybe I was even able to help him expand one of his limits, or introduced him to a new activity that he will enjoy for a long time to come. I am sitting there feeling pleasurable because I know that I've done good. It's an entirely emotional high that will last me for a long time to come. The physical pleasure I caused in my partner is different than the psychological or mental pleasure I receive. But that doesn't make it any more or less valid. There's no comparing the two pleasures. But, on a side note, I am sure there are people I remember playing with vividly in years gone past that I still have a sense of pleasure about. Unfortunately, chances are some of them may not even remember who I am or what I did with them, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. They may not be feeling any pleasure still from what happened many years ago ... but I am! The pleasure of Domination often seems to be more mental or psychological than the pleasure of the submissive, which tends to be more physical. (Not to say it doesn't have its psychological aspects either, but I'll get to that in a little bit.) Another psychological factor with Domination is obviously found within control. There is a certain sense of power that comes with control, and many Doms crave this power, for any number of possible reasons. Rape, for example, is known to be an issue of power, not sex. This is not to say that there isn't a sexual element or factor to rape. When rapists are seeking sexual contact, they will most often search for a willing partner, when it is a power element they crave - they will seek out a victim. SM has nothing to do with nonconsensual rape, however one into SM who craves this power may find a consensual"rape victim". I know this may sound funny, especially to rape victims. A consenting couple, however, may choose to enact some form of rape fantasy in which the Dom tries to overcome a struggling submissive - to varying degrees. I haven't seen many people who get into this fantasy, but I have seen it in the Leather community.

The Psychology of Submission

Sometimes I am convinced that there is no comparing the psychology of submission to the psychology of domination. Quite often, they are so different that the similarities seem few and far between.

It can be perfectly understood that a submissive partner, receiving the sexual attention of the Dominant partner will find this to be extremely satisfying. This may help explain why it seems that the number of bottoms extremely outweighs the number of tops. A good Dom will have the happiness of his submissive partner somewhere in the front of his mind, directly or indirectly, as happiness and pleasure seem to go hand in hand.Perhaps because of the (seemingly) vast number of bottoms, it becomes clear that there are an unlimited psychological factors of submission. I will not even try to touch them all here. Hopefully I can hit on some of the major ones.Perhaps one of the most common psychological factors is that of control and power. Take for example people with jobs or careers where they have to make decisions, often ones that effect other people. Teachers, Doctors, Lawyers, CEOs, Restaurant Managers, etc. In the workplace, they have a certain degree of power that mirrors Domination (if not fits the bill completely.) When the workday is over, they may chose to slip into the more submissive roles of BDSM for this is like therapy to them. I have heard many submissives say that playing sub counterbalances their workplace role of domination.

Many submissives have a strong desire to serve. For them, submission may seem like second nature, and they are often attracted to become slaves (but not always). Their own internal happiness comes from the deeds they do for a Dominant partner. In my eyes, this is the same principle I feel as a Dominant, as stated above - how a Top may receive pleasure because he is doing something the submissive partner will find pleasurable.

© 2004; Corky McGraw