Sub Safety

Until you submit to something, it is very important to keep in mind that you are the one who is in control. Just because you run across a Master, this does not mean that you owe Him submission. Your submission is a gift that you must give to a Master. It is entirely appropriate for you to treat that master with respect without submitting to Him.

While playing, meeting potential masters, or just heading down to the local leather bar, it is important for the submissive man (or the slave) to know how to keep himself or itself safe. Any good Master should respect you for trying to keep things safe.

Here is a list of things you should probably keep in mind...

Do not plan on a session during the first meeting. It is wise to use the first meeting as a chance to get to know one another, find out if you click, and start the process to see if the two of you can trust each other. If a master really wants to play with you, there should be no worry. This is also a wonderful test of the sincerity of a Master.

It is ALWAYS best to be completely honest about your likes, dislikes, fear, crave, limits, and experiences. Most Masters will not tolerate any level of dishonesty. What is important is your willingness to play, and not how many times you have played in the past, or the quality of that play.

Just as it is always best to be completely honest with any Master, it is equally as important to be honest with yourself. I have seen too many subs and slaves get themselves into trouble because they seem to want to get into things they really aren't, just to impress someone else. There are also lots of people out there who will tell you things like, the only true slave is a 24-7 slave but if that is not something you are into, that is equally as fine. Never let someone try to convince you to be something you truly aren't.

It is important to listen to your gut feelings or your intuition, even if you can't figure out why your warning flags are going off. Sometimes the unconscious mind will pick up on things the conscious mind won't. When this kind of thing happens, it is often wise to take a break or end the scene in order to figure it out or deal with it.

When interviewing with a potential master or playmate, it is important for you to ask questions and interview him right back. For the same reasons he needs to get to know you, you should get to know Him as well. Not only will this help you weed out masters who will not respect you (or those who take Mastering seriously) but it will also let you know what he is like, how well he understands the level you are at, and other things about Himself that you really should know.

It is wise to remember that relationships take time, no matter what type of relationship it is. Many subs and slaves fall into the proverbial trap that just because they feel they are ready for something, that they are willing to jump into it. Trust and respect (two of the biggest concerns with this type of thing) take time to develop and are never created out of thin air. Just because you have no reason not to trust someone, this doesn't mean that you have reason to trust Him.

When considering a Master for full time or long term, look at the complete package. Just as with a dating relationship, you need to ask yourself questions like, Do I really like him THAT much? or Can I really deal with his idiosyncrasies, bad habits, and other forms of personal baggage? A commitment to someone like this is a VERY serious thing, and should not be taken lightly by any stretch of the imagination.

Many slaves and subs have two different sets of Limits. The first set of limits is what you are comfortable with while playing with most everyone. The second set of limits are your absolute limits which you will not cross with anybody no matter who they are. Here's an example:

Temporary : Meet first, no total bondage (either feet or arms free at all times), Use of Safewords.

Permanent : No Drugs, No Scat, No Blood, No Permanent Marks.

If possible, try to get references for any Master you play with. Leather clubs or organizations are almost always good for this, as are friends, or people they have played with in the past. If you get a bad reference, investigate the matter. It could be nothing more than that the two did not click, or something over similar trivial lines.

When you first play with a master, it would be a good idea to invoke some backup safety just in case you have made a bad judgment call. Some good ideas include telling a friend where you are going or who you are going with. (If you meet someone in a bar, the doorman or bartender will sometimes do the trick - depending on the doorman/bartender.) If I can't do this, I will leave a note somewhere in my bedroom saying where I am going and any information I have about the person I am seeing if it is someone I don't know. If the police start searching for me, this will give them a direction to look.) I would sincerely hope that nothing bad would ever happen, but stranger things have been known to happen.

USE SAFE WORDS. If you find yourself in a scene and you have not discussed the use of safewords with the Master you are playing with, use the safeword Safeword because if he has at least two active brain cells, He should know what that means.

Do not make the mistake of throwing the basic rules of vanilla sex into a bd/sm scene. Most of them just do not apply. Also, you should not mistake the bond you feel for a Master as love as this could certainly end in disaster.

Keep in mind that a Master looking for a slave can be just as desperate as a slave looking for a Master. Also, remember that when looking online, or looking in a bar, the greater portion of people may be looking for a one night encounter. If you are projecting that you are looking for something, people may assume that you are looking for the same thing as everyone else.

Keep in mind the phrase that leathermen who cannot spell call The Three S's. Safe. Sane. Consensual. Remember that a scene should be fun and rewarding for all parties involved.

Be patient! 

Communicate. Unless otherwise noted, it is better to give too much information than it is to give too little.

SM – A Guide For The Non-Kinky

It is often difficult for the person who isn't kinky to fully understand what SM is. Most, if not nearly all, the books written about SM are written by kinky people, primarily for kinky people. These books often act more like an instruction manual for someone wanting to engage in SM play or relationships, than a place where anyone can go to get basic information.

Unfortunately, there is very little written material aimed at those who do not want to engage in SM play, written in such a way that they can fully understand it.

Basic Principles of SM

One common misperception people tend to have about SM is that it is based on concepts completely foreign to them. They may have a mental image of a dominant top flogging (or whipping) a submissive bottom, and think to themselves that they could never engage in anything like that. They think the basic principle behind such a scene has to be so foreign to them that chances are they'll never understand it.

But, the truth is, the basic principle is based on something that effects everybody – whether they are conscious of it or not. Let me site some examples.

Let's say you have a loose tooth. It hurts to touch it, but for some reason, it's hard for your tongue not to wiggle it, play with it, even though you know it is going to be painful.

Another example (maybe a little more common) would be someone with an itch. You start to itch, and one of your first instincts would be to scratch the itch. Somehow, scratching the itch makes it feel better. So, you scratch your itch, and then the discomfort will go away.

But, a few minutes later, the itch will most likely come back. So, you scratch again, and the discomfort temporarily goes away again. After a few hours of this, you look where you've had your itch and you may noticed you've scratched that area raw.

What's happening is this. When you get your itch, it hurts. You have to do something about it, because you don't like being in pain like that – so you scratch. When you scratch, you irritate the painful area making the pain worse. Your body releases a chemical called endorphins, which make you temporarily feel better. Endorphins are your body's natural response to pain. Unfortunately, because you irritated yourself worse than you had been before, you start to feel the pain or itch again, which makes you scratch again – and the process starts all over again.

This is one of the most basic principles of SM play. The top (sadist) will cause painful sensations in the bottom (masochist) which causes the bottom to release endorphins, taking them to pleasure through pain.

While it may appear, at least to an outsider, that a top is mercilessly inflicting pain or torture onto the bottom, this notion is completely false. A good top will have enough experience to fully understand the impact his (or her) actions will have on their partners. A good top will not push the bottom beyond what they can tolerate, mentally or physically.

Another example along these lines comes from the world of bodybuilding. What bodybuilders do when they exercise is damage their muscles in a controlled way so that the muscles will repair themselves and be bigger and stronger. Pain is a byproduct of this process – just in the same way that pain is a byproduct of SM play.

Fantasy

Another basic principle of SM play is Fantasy, and this is something that is a fairly common element in most, if not all, relationships of any kind. You may have a fantasy of making love with your partner on a sandy beach, or maybe you have a fantasy about having sex with a particular coworker after the office closes, or maybe you have a fantasy involving joining the so called "Mile High Club." Or, maybe your fantasy is that your partner leave the lights on this time or not fall asleep the minute he's finished.

The truth is, fantasy – whether it is recognized or not – is a common element in all relationships. If I asked you to close your eyes for a brief moment and think about the perfect relationship or the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, you would probably have no difficulty in creating a picture in your mind of what the perfect spouse would be. Or, maybe you would come up with a list of characteristics that person would, or would not, have. This can easily be described as one of your fantasies.

Our fantasies are most often a product of our unconscious mind. If we were to take a look at the images we thought about when imagining the perfect spouse, we may be able to discover something about them. Maybe the images related in some way to a relationship we saw other people in, be it good friends, our parents or other family members, or maybe our role models. (My good friend John Doe has a perfect marriage and I want mine to be just like his.) Or, maybe those fantasy images come from things we did or did not like about our past relationships. (I dated someone once who was very manipulative, so my dream date is not going to be manipulative.) Or, maybe those ideas came from our response to our environment, or other psychological factors in our own lives. (I work from nine to five every day and all I do is make decisions, so I would like a spouse who can make some or most of the decisions at home.)

These fantasies are not all that different from fantasies within SM relationships. In fact, maybe they are exactly the same. One of my early SM mentors was a fellow who was completely submissive whenever I saw him at home or saw him around town with his Dominant partner. His career though was another story all together, as a CEO, he ran a very successful marketing business. He explained to me that his home life and his at work life were two extreme opposites and the more dominant he was at work on any given day, the more submissive he became at home. It was his way of keeping a balance in his life.

Psychotherapists and marriage counselors have often used fantasies as a way of making relationships stronger and better. It is fairly common for individuals who have been in a relationship for some period of time to seek out professional help on how to kick-start or spice up their marriage (or relationship). The use of fantasy or fantasy play will often arise during these discussions. As fantasies are an expression of our unconscious thoughts or desires, expressing these fantasies in a healthy environment can help two people to express their feelings toward each other in a positive way.

Fetishes

Another common element of SM play are fetishes. Simply put, a fetish is normally a non-sexual object or concept (or symbol) that gives an individual some sense of sexual arousal. Some common fetish objects may include leather, latex, rubber, plastic, or PVC clothing, or uniforms. Others may include underwear, shoes or boots, cigars, or just about anything. According to mental health experts, this is a purely natural and normal thing.

Fetish play is very similar to fantasy play, and are often combined during a single experience or scene. Different fetishes tend to have certain scene guidelines that are common, but in no way mandatory.

For example, with many uniform fetishes, the individual in uniform will act, during the scene, as if they are accepting that role. If one wears a police uniform, they will act like a police officer as part of the fantasy.

There are a few general Dress Code Rules that many leathermen will adhere to. (This dress code is often strictly enforced during SM parties, or leather bars.) Parts of this dress code normally includes things like not wearing white tennis or gym shoes, not wearing cologne or other scents, the wearing of various colors (such as hankies) to advertise what you are looking to do or have done. Of course, there is also the obvious being that you must be wearing some form of leather, latex, or uniform.

Mental Health and SM

An interest in SM was once considered a mental illness. Over time, as more has become known about SM, and as more people have become interested in it, this is no longer the case.

A look at the DSM-IV(TR) – the psychological Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Volume 4, Text Revision or what psychologists and psychiatrists use to classify mental illnesses – will reveal that entries for Sadism and Masochism still exist. In other words, Sadism and Masochism can still be considered a mental illness. However, what makes an interest in SM a pathology (or mental illness) is if disrupts normal day-to-day behavior, and/or if there is no element of consent, or if such activity is involuntary.

In other words, SM between a Sadist and a Masochist is not a mental illness. A sadist who enjoys raping or torturing people who do not enjoy such behavior would be considered mentally ill. A person who feels compelled to engage in SM acts on an involuntary basis would also. An example of this latest would be one who agrees to SM behavior because they feel they have to or should, although they do not like said behavior.

Control Issues is another key phrase when it comes to mental health. Often, issues such as Domination (being in total control) or submission (having little control) are things to be worked out during psychotherapy. However, within the SM lifestyle, they are generally accepted. As above, this falls into the same category where if it is accepted by those involved it should be considered acceptable, however if these issues cause a disturbance in the daily lives of those involved, then there are issues needing to be worked through.

One of the common misconceptions having to do with SM play involves this transference of power, aka Domination and submission. To the outsider, it seems as if the Dominant party has complete control over the submissive. Even the simplest definition of domination or submission implies this. To one extent, it is true. The Dominant party will have complete control over what happens during a scene. In a sense, the Dominant's control is merely situational. The submissive party, will have their own sense of control, in that they control what sort of activities are acceptable or not. They may allow bondage to be a part of the scene along with painful or erotic stimulation of certain forms but not of others. It is said that the Dominant controls how the game is played, but the submissive is the one who sets the rules.

Other General Misperceptions

When people come across images of SM in movies, television, books, or while talking with friends or strangers, it is common to get misperceptions. It is easy to do with SM because chances are nobody is getting a complete picture presented to them in a manner they can relate with. It's human nature.

Let's say I am thinking of something. Now, during the course of this activity, you have two people, most always of the same gender, who come together and try to beat each other up, often by throwing punches, hitting their opponent in the belly, chest, or face. In fact, the goal of this activity is for one of the participants to render the other unconscious.

Now, I realize most people will think I am talking about some perverted gay SM play, but I am not. It is not perverted, gay related, nor is it anything directly related to SM.

What if I said this activity was mostly accepted by mainstream society. You might think I am nuts for saying it, but it is. What if I said this activity has made some celebrities household names only because they did this activity? What if I said that some people do it in high school, in front of other students, teachers, parents, and for the most part, there's no problem with it? It's true. Confused yet? Given up? Ok. One last one. What if I said this was, in fact, an Olympic Sport? Yep.

Ok. That last one might have given it away too easy. The activity I am referring to is … Boxing. The point to this is to demonstrate how just looking at something isn't always going to give you a full picture of what's happening, and that sometimes we can completely misperceive what we think we're seeing. Because of the very nature of SM and the society we all live in, this is common. So, what are some of these misperceptions or misconceptions?

One of the easiest misconceptions to make is that SM is abuse. Now, I will not lie to you, abuse happens in every kind of relationship setting, and SM is no difference. The difference between SM and abuse can be explained in one word – consent. If one person beats another without their consent, it's abuse. If someone beats up another person with their consent, it's not abuse. (Just like, let's say, Boxing?)

Another misconception people tend to have (and I will admit that I was once one of them) was that leather folk are scary people. (Ok, maybe some of them are.) This is something we see a lot of in the movies. Someone walks into a leather bar or a biker bar, and almost invariably there's a drunken bar fight, someone always gets thrown out the main window, but there is always some kind of conflict. I saw those images in movies and was scared whenever I had to pass a leather person walking down the street, or I would cross the street to keep from walking down the sidewalk in front of such a place. Words like "biker gang" or "Hell's Angels" scared the crap out of me, and there was always the impression that anyone who drove a bike or wore leather chaps or jackets was part of something along these lines.

I've come to realize over the years that this was a rather gross misconception on my own part. Shortly after my first introduction to SM, I had the extreme pleasure of riding with a number of these scary biker types. We met at a certain bar and once we were all there, our goal was to collect toys from various businesses (and numerous people along the way) so that these could be given as gifts to needy children for Christmas. I'm referring to my first (and unfortunately only) Toys For Tots run.

It was this single event that shattered my mental image of the leather type. We had several hundred bikers that year driving through the streets of Denver in the blasting cold, picking up toys for kids. You have to have a huge heart to do something like that … nothing like the image of being thrown through a plate-glass window because you looked at someone in the wrong way in a biker bar.

I was nearly terrified the first time I had gone into a gay leather bar, although nothing scary ever happened there. Over time, I've come to feel more accepted at leather bars than I do in any other bar. One of the main reasons for this is because leathermen, in general, have such a wide variety of interests, goals, favorite activities, fetishes, etc., that no two people are going to be the same. They know what it feels like to be the "weird one", the outsider rejected from mainstream life because they look or act different, so they will accept nearly anybody for what they are. (Ok, not all leathermen are like this, but a great deal are. You shouldn't let one or two examples ruin your perception of an entire group.)

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This document was not intended, in any way, to be a complete disclosure on everything related to SM, but hopefully should serve as an introduction presented in a way that someone who does not wish to engage in SM play or behavior should understand.

SM is not for everybody, and just because activities can be said as being normal, natural, or healthy, does not mean that everyone should engage in them. Race car driving (like, NASCAR) can be said to be a normal healthy thing for some, but not everybody should get behind the wheel of a racecar and drive that fast around the track. However, if you enjoy such things, there should be nothing wrong with doing them.

© 2002; Corky McGraw

Psychological Aspects of SM

I have always believed that a basic understanding of the psychological aspects of SM play is important for a few basic reasons. First, SM is often play on a psychological level. Dominance and submission are, by very definition, psychological in nature, as are many other aspects of SM play from Humiliation, power exchanges, or the euphoric state we sometimes feel after an intensely satisfying SM scene. Our fantasies may have psychological factors we've never considered.

Second, SM hits many of us on a psychological level. SM has been known from time to time to bring up psychological issues within our lives weather we realize it or not. If, for example, one has psychological issues with authority figures, these issues may arise during SM play. Recognizing this can help us sort out our troubles and enable us to get a better hand on them.

I have talked with many Masters and slaves over the years who have said something along the lines of "my Master really doesn't understand what it is like to be a slave. He is a wonderful Master who knows what he is doing when we play, but the dynamics of the relationship are foreign to him." More times than not, I've seen these relationships fail.

Finally, because of the psychological nature of SM, in general, one should be aware of psychological factors in case problems (or, potential problems) may develop. With a basic understanding of the psychological aspects of SM many of these problems can be dealt with, or even prevented before the issues become problematic. Some Leathermen have no understanding of psychology. And for some of them this is not a bad thing. They do seem to have a basic understanding of what feels good or bad, what's acceptable and what isn't, and hopefully also the ability to read the body language of their play partner to determine if everyone's having fun or not. I don't want this to sound like these people are any better or worse than any other - this simple factor alone doesn't determine anything.

Psychology of Domination

I am often asked by novice submissives what kind of pleasure I get as a Dominant partner. In their view, all they see at first is that they are enacting one of their fantasies, that I am doing things which I know will bring them a sense of pleasure, that they are the focus of my active attention while I am only passively receiving their attention. Many feel this type of scene is one-sided, resulting in feelings of guilt or embarrassment. Many people I have played with seem to have a psychological need to "satisfy" their sexual partners, and when they cannot understand how they are satisfying their partners, things begin to fall apart for them.

I usually try to explain to them that the type of pleasure I receive from them may be a different form than the pleasure they get from me, but that it is no way unsatisfying for me. It goes something like this...

Let's say I have a boy in restraints and various leather gear, and we are in the middle of a scene. Ok, we're going to stop time here for a second and take a look at what's happening for both parties. My submissive partner is (well, hopefully) getting some pleasure from his restraints, from the clamps I may have placed on his nipples, or the attention I am giving his cock and balls. This is a very physical pleasure he is feeling.Looking at myself, I am also receiving a lot of pleasure - or else I would not be doing this. I am probably getting an immediate sense of pleasure because of a few factors. First, I really like seeing boys in Leather, Uniform, or Rubber (and chances are, if I am playing with him, he's gonna fall into one of these categories.) Secondly, I am getting an extreme sense of happiness because I am causing a sense of pleasure in my partner. Thirdly, I am experiencing happiness because I am expressing my own, personal form of sexuality. (Yes, there are a few more, but that's a good start.)Now, we're going to hit the fast forward button - but this time we're going to stop it several hours after the scene has finished. Hopefully my partner still has a sense of afterglow. He's just been through an experience which hopefully he'd found extremely satisfying. However, by now his sense of pleasure is starting to fall after hitting his climax during the scene.But, my sense of pleasure is growing. I have just done things to my partner which caused him to feel good. Maybe I was even able to help him expand one of his limits, or introduced him to a new activity that he will enjoy for a long time to come. I am sitting there feeling pleasurable because I know that I've done good. It's an entirely emotional high that will last me for a long time to come. The physical pleasure I caused in my partner is different than the psychological or mental pleasure I receive. But that doesn't make it any more or less valid. There's no comparing the two pleasures. But, on a side note, I am sure there are people I remember playing with vividly in years gone past that I still have a sense of pleasure about. Unfortunately, chances are some of them may not even remember who I am or what I did with them, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. They may not be feeling any pleasure still from what happened many years ago ... but I am! The pleasure of Domination often seems to be more mental or psychological than the pleasure of the submissive, which tends to be more physical. (Not to say it doesn't have its psychological aspects either, but I'll get to that in a little bit.) Another psychological factor with Domination is obviously found within control. There is a certain sense of power that comes with control, and many Doms crave this power, for any number of possible reasons. Rape, for example, is known to be an issue of power, not sex. This is not to say that there isn't a sexual element or factor to rape. When rapists are seeking sexual contact, they will most often search for a willing partner, when it is a power element they crave - they will seek out a victim. SM has nothing to do with nonconsensual rape, however one into SM who craves this power may find a consensual"rape victim". I know this may sound funny, especially to rape victims. A consenting couple, however, may choose to enact some form of rape fantasy in which the Dom tries to overcome a struggling submissive - to varying degrees. I haven't seen many people who get into this fantasy, but I have seen it in the Leather community.

The Psychology of Submission

Sometimes I am convinced that there is no comparing the psychology of submission to the psychology of domination. Quite often, they are so different that the similarities seem few and far between.

It can be perfectly understood that a submissive partner, receiving the sexual attention of the Dominant partner will find this to be extremely satisfying. This may help explain why it seems that the number of bottoms extremely outweighs the number of tops. A good Dom will have the happiness of his submissive partner somewhere in the front of his mind, directly or indirectly, as happiness and pleasure seem to go hand in hand.Perhaps because of the (seemingly) vast number of bottoms, it becomes clear that there are an unlimited psychological factors of submission. I will not even try to touch them all here. Hopefully I can hit on some of the major ones.Perhaps one of the most common psychological factors is that of control and power. Take for example people with jobs or careers where they have to make decisions, often ones that effect other people. Teachers, Doctors, Lawyers, CEOs, Restaurant Managers, etc. In the workplace, they have a certain degree of power that mirrors Domination (if not fits the bill completely.) When the workday is over, they may chose to slip into the more submissive roles of BDSM for this is like therapy to them. I have heard many submissives say that playing sub counterbalances their workplace role of domination.

Many submissives have a strong desire to serve. For them, submission may seem like second nature, and they are often attracted to become slaves (but not always). Their own internal happiness comes from the deeds they do for a Dominant partner. In my eyes, this is the same principle I feel as a Dominant, as stated above - how a Top may receive pleasure because he is doing something the submissive partner will find pleasurable.

© 2004; Corky McGraw

Types of SM Play

SM Play means a lot of different things to different people. Before going much further into SM101 topics, perhaps we should take a look at a few of the various types of SM play. (Just keep in mind that just because someone is into SM that they are going to enjoy any or all the actives mentioned.)

It would be virtually impossible to produce a list of every type of play, every fetish, every activity. The following will be limited to a few of the major types of activities more common amongst those into SM.

Bondage

Bondage is, perhaps, one of the most common elements of SM play. It can be something as simple as putting someone in handcuffs. Or, it can be more elaborate, such as an intricate rope-harness system, being hog-tied, or tied spread eagle. The various types of bondage are infinite.

To most, but not necessarily all, bondage is one of the first steps in a more elaborate scene. Once someone is in bondage, an entirely different type of activity will start to take place. One of the most common misconceptions people have about SM is that anything following bondage will be some sort of pain-play. While painful play is one option, it is one option of many. Other possibilities include sensual play (such as touching, tickling, massage, playing with feathers or other non-painful objects) or traditional vanilla (aka, not kinky) activities. To some people, bondage is a required element of the sexual fantasy. These are people who receive some sort of pleasure simply from the act of being placed into bondage, or in doing it to someone else. At other times, it can be a necessary (or an unnecessary) element of the scene. For example, bondage is a common element in flogging scenes (I'll explain flogging in a bit, don't worry) even if neither of the participants feels anything during that act - and yet it is important for matters of safety, mindset, or any number of other factors. There are many reasons or purposes for bondage. As I stated above, for some people, the act of bondage is an important element of the fantasy. These people crave the bondage for their own satisfaction. To others, it is important to help either party reach a certain mindset. For the top, having the bottom in bondage (or, for the bottom, being in bondage) will trigger a certain mental or psychological reaction that is either part of the fantasy or scene. Safety is another concern. As with the flogging example listed above, restricting the movements of the person being flogged will help ensure that they do not move in unexpected ways which could have an impact on other various aspects of the scene. Should the person being flogged move, the flogger may hit them in an unexpected and possibly damaging way. Another possibility for the safety argument is what would happen if the person being tied up reaches some level of sub-space or euphoria. Should they become disoriented, the last thing you want them to do is fall over and break their necks.

Mummification

Mummification is just another form of bondage. During a mummification scene, the person will be wrapped (rather like a mummy in the old horror movies) with anything ranging from saran wrap, duct tape, theatrical gaffer's tape, ace bandages (if you have enough of them), rubber strips, etc. (If you use something sticky like duct tape, most people will agree that it is wise to first wrap the person in something like a cheap bedroom sheet. There are two reasons for this. First, chances are pretty good that you're going to have to cut the person out of it, and this will protect them from being cut along with the tape. Second, and maybe the most obvious ... the tape will stick to the skin or body hairs and be extremely painful when you have to get them out. Some people may also have an allergic type reaction to the glue on the tape, so this will prevent them from having to explain why there is a rash covering their entire body from the neck down.)

One question may people have about mummification is ... once someone is mummified, what's next? Well, believe it or not, there's many possibilities. Some people get such satisfaction (or even a sense of euphoria) from being mummified that nothing else really needs to happen. A good top will check up with them every so often to make sure any body parts aren't going cold or numb, as these are signs that the blood flow is restricted, which could be potentially harmful. Another possibility is that the mummified person may be overheated or may need to end the experience for any number of factors such as the need to use the restroom or to get some fresh air or any number of possibilities.

Suspension

Suspension is simply a bondage scene where the bottom is hung, rather than resting on a stable surface. As with all bondage, but especially with suspension bondage, great care needs to be taken to ensure the safety of the bottom. A normal bar harness, for example, would not be recommended during a suspension scene, however you can get a suspension harness which has been designed more for this purpose.

Role Playing

Another common element of SM play is role-playing, and once again the options are endless. This can be a simple fantasy such as coach and athlete, cop and robber, lawyer and jailbird, boss and employee, big brother and little brother, model and photographer, cable repairman, deliveryman, milkman... as I said, the possibilities are endless. Or, the role playing may be of a more complex nature, such as Master and slave (or servant), Dom and sub, or others. Usually, the role-play contains elements of some fantasy of one (or hopefully both) of the participants.

When engaging in any type of role playing, it's often wise to communicate with your partner to make certain you know where the boundaries of the role playing are. Also, keep in mind that many will change from person to person, and most good people will certainly tell you what it is they do or do not like.

Master & slave

The Role Playing scene most people think about (when it comes to SM) is that of the Master and Slave. This can either be for one scene only (or only for a partial scene) or it can be a permanent lifestyle. However, the Master and slave relationship shouldn't be confused with any other Dom and sub relationships. Too many times, a Dom and sub relationship will call itself Master and slave for any number of potential reasons. This can lead only to confusion.

The Master and slave relationship isn't as common as some people may think. While the basic principles of complete submission (or, complete Dominance) may sound very appealing to many people, the reality is that it takes a certain type of person to enter this type of relationship or situation. Under the surface are issues such as trust, responsibility, dependence or independence. In a Master and slave relationship, the slave will submit fully to the Master. The sexual needs and fantasies of the slave become immaterial, except for the fantasy to completely surrender to the Master. The Master has complete and total control. In permanent Master and slave relationships, everything of the slave's becomes the property of the Master. This includes everything. Period. Possessions. Finances. Even the slave's body becomes property of the Master. Most submissives and boys are, quite frankly, unwilling or unable to give up their sexual fantasies or desires, their complete control, their identities - everything over to the Master as he surrenders. (As I said, these relationships are rather rare.)

Doms and subs

Doms and subs are, to various degrees, perhaps the most common type of relationship within the SM community. While they may seem similar to (and are often confused with) Master and slave relationships, they are quite different in nearly every aspect.

One of the most common misperceptions is that the Dom is the person in control. To a very limited extent, it is. The only control is in how the Dom plays the game. His focus will have something to do with the fantasies and desires of the sub. I can't say that there is an equal exchange, but I can say the exchange is complimentary. The submissive party will give a somewhat conditional control to the Dominant party. The submissive does keep a certain amount of control. He has the power to stop the situation by telling the Dom to stop or by screaming the safeword (or using some other symbol should he be gagged, such as shaking his head no or rapping a certain pattern with his hands). The submissive person will have boundaries or limits of types of activities he finds acceptable. If the Dominant party controls how the game is played, it is the submissive party who sets the rules.

Daddies and boys

To many people, the Dom and sub relationship is exactly the same as the Daddy and boy relationship. To others, the relationships are similar, but not the same.

The difference, some people will tell you, is that the Daddy and boy relationships follow a more family oriented structure. There is often an age difference, either in the physical ages of the individuals involved, and/or in mentality. (In other words, the boy will act like a younger person while the Daddy will act more like a more mature one.)Many boys will enter into such a relationship when they are still fairly new to the SM community. They are often the type of boy who is wanting to learn as much as possible about SM play and is looking not only for a play partner, but also a mentor or teacher. They can often find everything they need in such relationships.

Animal Training

Simply put, animal training is simply a scene or fantasy (or a full time relationship) in which the submissive partner assumes the role of a specific animal. Within the gay community, this is mainly seen as some form of Dog Training (there are even national dog-boy show contests) while I see more Pony training with the heterosexual lifestyles. In fact, one excellent example of Pony Training is from Anne Rice's The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy.

I have personally seen very few people who assume animal roles in full time situations. That is not to say, however, that it doesn't happen. It is much more common for a submissive person to temporarily assume animal roles, either during training or play, or more for show (like during a dungeon party or an evening at the bar.) In some cases, all that is needed is that the person assuming the animal role to follow certain behavior patterns, such as staying off the furniture, walking on all fours (supporting themselves by their ankles and knees), or by eating or drinking from a doggie bowl. In some of the more serious settings, other accessories can be obtained, such as a puppy cage, a butt-plug with a doggie tail, a hood with puppy ears, and many other objects.

Fetishism

Another important aspect of SM play is fetishism. Amongst the most popular fetishes include leather, rubber, and uniforms. Other popular fetishes may include PVC or plastic, underwear or jock straps, blue collar workers, or boots - just to name a few.

Leather is, perhaps, the most common. Leathersex is a synonym for SM. The common dress-code for most SM clubs or bars include most forms of leather. (However, quite often they also include rubber and uniforms as well.)Rubber or latex clothing is also associated with the SM community. While it may not be as common as Leather, it is still very prevalent.

Acceptable uniforms may include anything from police, security, fireman's uniforms, or military uniforms from the more dressy uniforms to the camouflage BDUs. Sometimes other uniforms such as boy scout uniforms, or the brown UPS (United Parcel Service) uniforms may be acceptable (however not always.) Other uniforms (cooks uniforms, company uniforms, Airlines, etc...) are generally not acceptable, unless they have something specific to do with the planned scene or situation. Obviously, if you are planning a Flight Attendant and businessman fantasy with someone, one may wear a business suit while the other is wearing an airline uniforms. If you are unsure of weather or not a certain uniform would be appropriate, it's always best to ask.

Flogging & Whipping & Spanking

Whipping and/or flogging is simply the act of beating another person with a whip, flogger, or cat o' nine tails. This is a form of pain play, and is not for everyone. Most people are whipped or flogged on their backsides anywhere between the buttock and the shoulders. (Although, technically one can be flogged on any part of the body.)

Spanking can be done with any sort of paddle, or from any other kind of similar device such as a wooden spoon, a ping-pong paddle.... The buttocks is the most common area spanked is the buttock. Because of the forces used in spanking, it's best to avoid the back because this could injure the spine leading to medical complications.

Watersports & Scat

Watersports is another common SM activity. Now, before you start thinking about sport diving or playing water polo, those have nothing to do with what we're talking about. Those who play with watersports are playing with urine. piss. Some people prefer to drink the substance, others just want to be pissed on.

If you're the kind of person who thinks this is gross, don't worry - there are a lot of people who will agree with you. You're in good company. Slightly rarer than watersports is what's known as scat. And, before you start thinking of Lena Horne or some other Scat Jazz singer, what we're talking about has nothing to do with that. People into scat are into human feces. Crap. Shit. And just like watersports, this sort of thing just isn't for everyone.

Body Modification

Another fairly common element with SM play involved body modification. In most cases, this involves either piercing (such as the nipples, cock, or in this day and age, pretty much any body part you can hang jewelry) or tattooing. In SM relationships, this is often done as a symbol of commitment (such as getting the Master's name tattooed onto the slave, or getting similar nipple rings.) Other times, it can be done simply for ornamental or decorative purposes.

Temporary piercing is also popular with some Leatherfolk. This isn't usually recommended for the complete novice, unless you are playing with someone with more experience because of safety concerns which should be fairly obvious.

Other Forms Of Play

This was not intended to be a complete list of SM activities, but rather something to give you a few of the basics. It would also be good advice to approach more advanced things with a more advanced partner. Your personal safety should be one of your first concerns.

© Corky McGraw; 2005

What is SM?

SM can, and does, mean a lot of different things to different people. It may contain elements of fetishism (such as the leather, rubber, or uniform fetish - just to name a few) or bondage or role playing, or it may contain none of them. Just because someone says they're into SM, you shouldn't take it for granted that they are going to like the same things as you.

Let's start off by looking at SM and trying to figure out what it means. SM is short for Sadomasochism. Or, Sadism and Masochism. The words Sadism and Masochism were coined by psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebbing in 1886, naming Sadism after the Marquis de Sade, who was known for his sexual practices with nonconsensual violence, and Masochism after Austrian writer Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who often wrote masochistic themes in his novels.

Sadism

When someone hears about Sadism, the nonconsensual violent aspect is what people too often think. Such sadistic monsters, unfortunately, do exist. We see their victims on the nightly news and follow their court trials. They do not, however, find themselves welcome within the SM community.

A simple definition of a Sadist would have to read something like, "A Sadist is one who enjoys (or receives pleasure from) hurting others." Sadism would mean intentionally inflicting pain on another, or threatening to do that, for some form of sexual pleasure. This may range anywhere from the mild to the extreme. Something mild could be like gently biting your partner or slapping them during sexual play. The more extreme could be something like abduction, rape, or severe torture.

The key thing to remember is that within the confines of SM play, there is a golden rule - that of Safe, Sane, & Consensual. Take that to mean that if the Sadist's partner during SM play is not willing to participate in such an activity, chances are good that the Sadist isn't going to go there. A simpler way of saying this would be that the Sadist will not hurt his playmate in a way he does not wish to be hurt.

Paraphalia refers to getting sexual satisfaction from non-procreative sexual acts or objects. (Such as Leather, Feet, Uniforms, etc...) SM, obviously, falls into such a category. Does this mean that those who are into SM have any kind of mental disorders? Well, while mental disorders can happen to any group of people, just because you're into SM doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, paraphalias are "intense sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies involving either non-humans, or the suffering or humiliation of oneself or ones partner." However, they go further to state that such behaviors are significant only if it causes "significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning." According to the DSM-IV, a paraphalia "must be distinguished from the non-pathological use of sexual fantasies, behavior or objects as a stimulus for sexual excitement."One other difference between dysfunctional Sadism (or Masochism) and SM is the concept of adaptability. If one's sexual fantasies are adaptable; meaning that they can be altered to accommodate present situations, current partners (or, the lack thereof), and other environmental and psychological factors - this can be considered a normal, rational sexual experience. In other words ... SM is a perfectly normal expression of sexual functioning, as long as it doesn't impair your ability to do other things. What sets those of us into consensual SM apart from rapists, abusers, or serial killers is that we take into account (and respect) the limits and fantasies of our partners.

Masochism

The logical companion to Sadism is Masochism. While a Sadist will enjoy causing pain, a Masochist is one who finds pleasure in being hurt or humiliated. Between Sadism and Masochism, this is perhaps the hardest for the average person to understand. I mean, how can somebody enjoy something that hurts?

The answer to that question may follow any number of possible answers. For some, the psychological pleasure of the experience outweighs the physical pain. There is also an element like the old cliché says, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Having endured physical pain or humiliation may cause some to have a greater sense of self-awareness, control, or even happiness.

Another major factor to consider is that of endorphins. Endorphins are a chemical the body produces in response to pain. Some people like to compare the "high" they get from endorphins to the kind of high one gets from heroin, stating that they are very similar. I have also heard people using the analogy of the painful loose tooth, the more your tongue plays with it, the better it starts to feel. Taking endorphins into consideration leads us into an area where the more pain there is, the more pleasurable the experience is. (Unfortunately, there are both truthful and untruthful elements in this statement.) It should be stated here that not every submissive, bottom, boy, slave, etc... will have this kind of a reaction to a painful experience. Different people will have different levels of pain-tolerance. For some, it will be very high, enabling them to withstand many hours of rigorous torture, while others may reach their threshold of pain quickly after much lighter activities.

The final thing we will consider here is that there seems to be both sadistic and masochistic tendencies found in human nature. (Weather or not these are sexual in nature is beside the point.) An example of a masochistic idea would be how we sometimes tend to beat ourselves up (figuratively) over mistakes we think we have made. Or, maybe how we like to scare ourselves by watching a horror movie, or riding on a rollar-coaster. A sadistic part of human nature may be the way we practice practical jokes on other people, or the way the winner of a game or sporting event will rub the fact that they are winners in the face of the losers. If we can accept that sadism and masochism are a normal part of human nature (to a certain degree) then the next logical step could be that sadism and masochism can be a normal part of our sexual natures as well.

TRUE MASTERS, true slaves..?

One thing one will probably hear from time to time is someone talking about True Masters or true slaves. What they are referring to is the notion that a true slave is one who lives as a slave 24/7 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) ... a slave who lives in complete submission and surrender to his True Master.

To some, this type of SM relationship is the ultimate experience. They hold True Masters and their true slaves with such high esteem that it is easy for them to lose perspective on themselves. They may aspire to be a part of such a relationship (or, as close to that kind of relationship as they can get) simply because they believe (or have been told) that nothing else really matters. Simple logic says that if this type of relationship is the only True relationship, then all others have to be false. (And it is at this point where we really fall off the deep end.) Simply stated, a 24/7 MASTER/slave relationship is no less valid than the couple who occasionally tie each other up, or any other type of SM relationship. Anyone who tells you differently is flat out mistaken.

There are as many different types of SM relationships as there are people into them... On a whole, no type of relationship is any more or any less valid than any other. Some types of relationships may appeal to certain people more than others.

© 2004; Corky McGraw

An Update…

Two years ago, I set up "A Little Pain Never Hurt Nobody" … and for awhile, the blog was moderately successful. It was one of my first attempts at blogging, and I had a lot to learn. Eventually, I started a few other blogs (such as my successful blog, Noli Nothis Permittere Te Terere) that covered different topics – and A Little Pain eventually went onto the far back burner. Over the past year, this blog has been sitting in the middle of cyberspace – collecting cyber-dust, getting few (if any) visitors.

My website (http://home.comcast.net/~corkymcg/Leather/index.html) has also been in need of a major update for quite some time. I have tried several times lately to update the website… but have faced coding issues, design and color issues, several of the new features I wanted to add just didn't work … so I got frustrated, threw the entire thing into the "Recycle Bin" and started over.

A few days ago, I got an idea. Why not create a blog for those informative posts? I can still link them to and from my website … and maybe I could also reach a larger audience if I brought back the blog.

So, this is what I am up to now.

In case you were one of those people who visited my site and was wondering where my content had gone – chances are, it'll be back, eventually. In the mean time, I hope you enjoy the old articles and information from my old website.

 

A Little Pain Never Hurt Nobody

Thanks for visiting my new blog. Before we really begin to get to the good stuff here, I thought I would take a quick moment to say a few things here.

I have been asked quite a few times why I decided to start blogging. The answer to that is pretty simple - it just seemed like the right thing to do. When I first started my journey into the world of Leather and Uniforms, back in 1992, the internet wasn't anything like it is today. There wasn't the wealth of information we have now. This was the start of the Internet Boom, and most people just hadn't jumped on the wagon yet.

Being 18 years old, it was nearly impossible to find good quality resources about Leather, Uniforms, Masters and slaves, or any other related topic. Other than trying to sneak into the local Leather Bar when the doorman wasn't looking or playing "Spot The Leatherman" at the bath house - there wasn't much I could do for awhile.

So, I turned to the Internet. In the chat rooms or message areas, I could find playmates - guys who would be happy to tie me up or take the flogger to my backside. Most of the guys I met weren't the type of people I could sit down and talk to or ever get to know.

So, one day, I decided to sit down at my computer and write something. I had already designed a small website for myself - just a few pictures and some info about myself - so whining a little bit about my troubles in finding a leather mentor didn't seem like such a hard thing to do. Almost immediately, I started getting e-mails about it - some from boys who found themselves in a similar position... some from Daddies and Masters offering tidbits of information or encouragement. They all offered a bit of encouragement and the support I really needed.

While today's internet does contain a lot more information than it did back in 1992, I still find it rather lacking in some areas. When it comes to real good educational material on the realities of SM - there just isn't much out there. And what there is can often be lost in the sea of commercial websites, image galleries, and sex-dating personals sites.

I do not think that my Leather-Uniform SM blog, "A Little Pain Never Hurt Nobody" is going to change that - but I do sincerely hope that somehow this just might help shed a little light into one small dark corner of the internet.